Job ads I thought I'd never read

This week's surreal experience - apart from the rain, which seems to be excessive even by BST standards - was an ad in the TES for a Virtual Head Teacher for looked after children. "And what is it you do for a living?"

Or perhaps I'm a fine one to talk. I managed to land myself a new job last week. Where is it? I don't actually know yet.

I think we've sussed out how the plots to Spanish language films are devised. They take a random set of weird objects and weave them into an unlikely plot. Last weeks offering included an unexploded bomb, babies pickled in brandy, and a wooden leg stuffed with gold bullion.

Also, as well as dipping into The Book, I humbly offer an utterance I found myself making last week:

I've had a bit of an altercation with a mango splitter.

So, delving into the hallowed pages, we have:

Have you just walked past the dead builder?

I had to have a hug with my fellow executioner afterwards.

25 people were injured including one spectator hit by a runaway cheese.

New feature: texts I thought I'd never get

Can you guess where I went for my recent short break? I bought this in an upmarket souvenir shop on the Royal Mile. The look on the assistant's face said "I can't believe we sell these." Interestingly, it was by far the cheapest version of this snowstorm on the Mile, which just goes to show the quality of the shop - an understanding of the value of such items.

For my latest report, I don't have to open the book, as I am being kept supplied with utterances from an in-officer, for which I am deeply grateful. Although, I have to say, knowing from where these emanate, I find them not totally surprising. So here goes:

I am getting good at paying for men

I'm trying to create some trouser room for the holidays

You smell like a new satchel

I have to say, I'm rather proud of the opening entry in my new feature. Again courtesy of my friend Claire. She has a real flair for the surreal . Her text read:

Do you fancy seeing an Argentinian film about an epileptic taxidermist?

In case you are wondering, and to save you the bother of trying for a googlewhack, the film does exist and I did go to to see it. So, a new challenge for those who have my mobile number...

Hot off the press: emails I thought I'd never receive:

Visitors just go on roll as extras- a bit like leg byes

And finally, CONGRATULATIONS!!!! to the most recent escapee.