"The book" Southern version

A contender for "the Book" from a colleague:
"Forgive my appearance - I've been horizontal abseiling to demonstrate friction"

Ultimate spin.

In today's Observer:
'We only call ourselves the Red Squirrel Protection Partnership because if we called it the Grey Squirrel Annihilation League people might be a bit less sympathetic,'
What a wonderful quote to build a lesson around!
http://www.guardian.co.uk/environment/2008/oct/19/red-squirrels-protection
for full article

A couple of whimsies

From Father Ted (Dougall, who else?)
"As I said last time, 'it won't happen again'"
And the wonderful Seasick Steve's track : "I started out with nothin' and I still got most of it left"
Brilliant!

Idling

A sign of the times that I haven't enough to do is that I'm reactivating this blog. I urge you to follow this link to a Guardian article about Schiller's failure to have the German equivalent of a TV licence. I particularly like the portrait - what is he watching? - and its caption which led me to suggest "Dead Portrait's Society" as an alternative title.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2008/oct/02/germany.theatre



To ring the changes from "the book" and snowglobes, I thought I would try for the visual surreal or bizarre with my new camera. The two photos here represent a modest start from a recent trip to Brussels, home of surrealist Magritte. I particularly liked the Man from Atlantis sculpture/fountain,

Out of the frying pan ...

I notice that the last time I posted was the day of the great Sheffield floods. Here's a sample of what it was like:

http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=4760705714990068022

(warning don't attempt to watch all of this video.) And if that was depressing, cheer yourself up with this - and play "spot the husband"

http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=8559702420812650400

After a long wet summer followed by an indian summer, it's back to the surreal world. I was thrilled to hear that the world of looky likey is alive and well and now includes John Redwood. In the spirit of "something old, something new", I offer an utterance from the book from one of my new colleagues

I have checked the trousers of every Y7 boy.

and out of the same stable:

You can't move in here for fruit

From the archive, another fruit themed utterance:

I have an emergency grapefruit

and a classic:

Mary once got a nipple trapped in Springboard 7

Apologies that you can't see Jesus in the snowglobe. Readers, keep me up to date with new utterances or other notable events.

Job ads I thought I'd never read

This week's surreal experience - apart from the rain, which seems to be excessive even by BST standards - was an ad in the TES for a Virtual Head Teacher for looked after children. "And what is it you do for a living?"

Or perhaps I'm a fine one to talk. I managed to land myself a new job last week. Where is it? I don't actually know yet.

I think we've sussed out how the plots to Spanish language films are devised. They take a random set of weird objects and weave them into an unlikely plot. Last weeks offering included an unexploded bomb, babies pickled in brandy, and a wooden leg stuffed with gold bullion.

Also, as well as dipping into The Book, I humbly offer an utterance I found myself making last week:

I've had a bit of an altercation with a mango splitter.

So, delving into the hallowed pages, we have:

Have you just walked past the dead builder?

I had to have a hug with my fellow executioner afterwards.

25 people were injured including one spectator hit by a runaway cheese.

New feature: texts I thought I'd never get

Can you guess where I went for my recent short break? I bought this in an upmarket souvenir shop on the Royal Mile. The look on the assistant's face said "I can't believe we sell these." Interestingly, it was by far the cheapest version of this snowstorm on the Mile, which just goes to show the quality of the shop - an understanding of the value of such items.

For my latest report, I don't have to open the book, as I am being kept supplied with utterances from an in-officer, for which I am deeply grateful. Although, I have to say, knowing from where these emanate, I find them not totally surprising. So here goes:

I am getting good at paying for men

I'm trying to create some trouser room for the holidays

You smell like a new satchel

I have to say, I'm rather proud of the opening entry in my new feature. Again courtesy of my friend Claire. She has a real flair for the surreal . Her text read:

Do you fancy seeing an Argentinian film about an epileptic taxidermist?

In case you are wondering, and to save you the bother of trying for a googlewhack, the film does exist and I did go to to see it. So, a new challenge for those who have my mobile number...

Hot off the press: emails I thought I'd never receive:

Visitors just go on roll as extras- a bit like leg byes

And finally, CONGRATULATIONS!!!! to the most recent escapee.