Out of the frying pan ...

I notice that the last time I posted was the day of the great Sheffield floods. Here's a sample of what it was like:

http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=4760705714990068022

(warning don't attempt to watch all of this video.) And if that was depressing, cheer yourself up with this - and play "spot the husband"

http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=8559702420812650400

After a long wet summer followed by an indian summer, it's back to the surreal world. I was thrilled to hear that the world of looky likey is alive and well and now includes John Redwood. In the spirit of "something old, something new", I offer an utterance from the book from one of my new colleagues

I have checked the trousers of every Y7 boy.

and out of the same stable:

You can't move in here for fruit

From the archive, another fruit themed utterance:

I have an emergency grapefruit

and a classic:

Mary once got a nipple trapped in Springboard 7

Apologies that you can't see Jesus in the snowglobe. Readers, keep me up to date with new utterances or other notable events.

Job ads I thought I'd never read

This week's surreal experience - apart from the rain, which seems to be excessive even by BST standards - was an ad in the TES for a Virtual Head Teacher for looked after children. "And what is it you do for a living?"

Or perhaps I'm a fine one to talk. I managed to land myself a new job last week. Where is it? I don't actually know yet.

I think we've sussed out how the plots to Spanish language films are devised. They take a random set of weird objects and weave them into an unlikely plot. Last weeks offering included an unexploded bomb, babies pickled in brandy, and a wooden leg stuffed with gold bullion.

Also, as well as dipping into The Book, I humbly offer an utterance I found myself making last week:

I've had a bit of an altercation with a mango splitter.

So, delving into the hallowed pages, we have:

Have you just walked past the dead builder?

I had to have a hug with my fellow executioner afterwards.

25 people were injured including one spectator hit by a runaway cheese.

New feature: texts I thought I'd never get

Can you guess where I went for my recent short break? I bought this in an upmarket souvenir shop on the Royal Mile. The look on the assistant's face said "I can't believe we sell these." Interestingly, it was by far the cheapest version of this snowstorm on the Mile, which just goes to show the quality of the shop - an understanding of the value of such items.

For my latest report, I don't have to open the book, as I am being kept supplied with utterances from an in-officer, for which I am deeply grateful. Although, I have to say, knowing from where these emanate, I find them not totally surprising. So here goes:

I am getting good at paying for men

I'm trying to create some trouser room for the holidays

You smell like a new satchel

I have to say, I'm rather proud of the opening entry in my new feature. Again courtesy of my friend Claire. She has a real flair for the surreal . Her text read:

Do you fancy seeing an Argentinian film about an epileptic taxidermist?

In case you are wondering, and to save you the bother of trying for a googlewhack, the film does exist and I did go to to see it. So, a new challenge for those who have my mobile number...

Hot off the press: emails I thought I'd never receive:

Visitors just go on roll as extras- a bit like leg byes

And finally, CONGRATULATIONS!!!! to the most recent escapee.

Oh how I miss the intranet!

Here, by special request, is Vesuvius in its dormant state. And a rather splendidly stupid quote from the "in office" Intranet:

The popular hygiene scores information will be available on your mobile phone from 1st June

And from the book:

There was someone on Mastermind last night who had fallen off Stanage Edge.

and

I went off the rails with a bag of cashews.

Another soon to be out of office!

The excellent news is that yet another person will be out of office in the near furure, and into something new and special! I'm going celebrate this on this blog by having a guest sentence and a guest snowstorm. (above)

Our guest sentence (and snowstorm) was supplied my friend by Claire, who has an aptitude for such fine utterances:

Carl has already mastered the art of not watering round the front.

And from the book...

I don't know how much longer I can get away with doing big jobs outside.

Have you got any human bones?

The kitchen staff made me a giant penis out of suet.

Why not visit my other blog at: http://pennybun.blogspot.com/

It's a bit less silly.

Feeling self-employed

Got some work under my belt. It's a strange feeling; mostly good. Having been postponed for 2 jobs this week, I enjoyed the spring sunshine, birdsong, early butterflies and carpets of bluebells, yesterday - all the more satisfying because I had expected to be working. Perhaps I won't be saying that when I'm down to my last shilling! Enough of these musings. Down to business.

Next three sayings, which include an office favorite:

We got a wasp trap to take us into the free postage bracket

If you rub sandpaper on your face it really hurts

My mum had two up her skirt in Torquay

No prizes for guessing where the snowglobe comes from. What sort of a person spends their honeymoon looking for a snowglobe? Although I have to say that this one ticks all the boxes. Well done, Paul!

Which to choose next?

A tough choice. This is one of my personal favorites, and is almost certainly the one that travelled furthest. If I am not mistaken, it was supplied by Nikki and really captures the spirit of the snowglobe. In future, I will respond to requests!

Now for the first delve into "the book". The origin of the idea - to record utterances we thought we'd never hear - came from a colleague in the north east, who told us that the lizard had gone to Redcar for its holidays. Hence the blog address. The next decisions are context or no context, and attributed or unattributed? I think no context is probably better, then people can try to remember, or - even more fun - invent their own. Perhaps I'll leave them unattributed as well. I'm open to suggestions. Three to get us stated. Here we go:

Prakash has eaten the baby.

Can I just sort Amanda out with a crocodile?

You had his pudding at the national conference.

I'm reliant on "in office" colleagues to keep me up to date with new ones. I'm sure I don't need to remind people about "dignity and respect at work"!

The story so far...

This blog is all about a certain office, its fabulous collection of snowglobes, and some of the utterances you thought you'd never hear. It's a place for news of and for those who, like me are now "out of office". This globe is a recent addition from my 70 mile trek in the Sandlings of Suffolk, culminating in the delights of Southwold.

Over the coming weeks / months, watch this space for more globes, anecdotes, news and utterances you thought you'd never hear.

The emperor's new clothes quote of this particular moment was from a small boy on the seafront heard to say: "but mum, they're just sheds!" Worthy of Jim, I'd say.

Unlikely people I met on my travels included a New Zealander JK Rowling wannabe, a ghostwriter, and a lady clown.